im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
