she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
