we're chasing vodka with high fives
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
