the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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