How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
