does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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