I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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