someone owes me an orgasm
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
