Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize