What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
