Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
