I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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