Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
