I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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