I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
