well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
