She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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