I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Randomize
