My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
