and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
