so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
