i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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