Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
