it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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