Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
