he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
