i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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