Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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