Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
