She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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