Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
