My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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