it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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