dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Everclear isn't food dammit
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
