Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
