Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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