The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
They took my balls.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
