when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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