Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
