I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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