Got a toothbrush?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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