My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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