the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Boobs speak an international language.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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