How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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