If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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