Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
