A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
