You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
