just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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