Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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