I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
