Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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