Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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