so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
