can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I wish you could order shots online.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize