You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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